The Place We Kept

Rena opened the red door wearing a jumper with paint on one sleeve.

She was not the owner. Leila learned that in the first minute, when Mum apologised for coming at an awkward time and Rena said they were renting from the new landlord and had only just found the kettle. Somehow that made it worse. Another family was doing almost the same thing they had done, only inside the house.

“The box is in the hall,” Rena said. “And the plant pot from the side passage. I wasn't sure whether you wanted it.”

Mum thanked her. She had arranged the visit through the agent because a box of paperwork and Toby's old swimming bag had been left on a shelf in the cupboard under the stairs. Leila had volunteered to come before Mum asked. She had not admitted why.

From the doorway she could see a different pair of shoes on the mat.

There was a stack of flat-packed shelves where their coat hooks used to be. Someone had put a vase on the narrow window ledge. The house smelled faintly of new soap and cardboard, not their cardboard, though she could not have explained the difference.

Rena picked up the box.

“Some post has come as well. I've put it on top.”

“Thank you,” Mum said. “I'm sorting the redirection.”

“No rush for a few days. I just don't want important things getting mixed in with ours.”

Leila stared at the stair carpet. A dark mark beside the third step was still there. Toby had dropped a spoonful of melted chocolate on it during a party and tried to clean it with a wet sock.

A little boy appeared behind Rena holding a toy lorry.

“Who are they?” he asked.

“They lived here before us.”

He looked at Leila with interest.

“Did you have the small room?”

“Yes.”

“That's mine now.”

She knew he was not trying to hurt her. He was supplying information about a room, proud of having one. It still took effort to keep her face ordinary.

“It's a good room,” she said.

“The window sticks.”

“You have to lift it a little as you pull.”

Rena looked down at him.

“Only with me helping.”

He nodded, already turning away.

Leila wanted to ask whether the crack above the radiator was still there. She wanted to see whether they had put the bed along the same wall. The desire felt intrusive and childish, and she could not make it go away simply by recognising it.

Mum took the box. Rena handed Leila the plant pot.

It was terracotta with a chip in the rim and nothing growing in it except a determined line of moss. Mum had kept basil in it for part of one summer, then used it to hold washing pegs. Leila had drawn it several times because its broken edge was easier to remember than a perfect circle.

“Do you need it?” Rena asked.

“Yes,” Leila said too quickly.

Mum glanced at her but did not object.

They said goodbye on the step. Rena closed the door gently, then opened it again because a letter had fallen behind the box.

“One more.”

It was addressed to Paul Grant.

Mum took it without changing expression.

“He hasn't lived here for years,” she said. “Somebody's still using an old list.”

Rena nodded. “Happens to us all.”

On the pavement, Leila looked up at her old window. A green toy dinosaur stood on the sill. She had never owned a green dinosaur. The fact was so small that she was ashamed of wanting to cry about it.

Mum put the box in the car.

“Do you want to walk round once?” she asked.

“No.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Leila got in before the answer could change.

They drove past the corner shop where Toby used to spend pocket money on sweets chosen one at a time. The man behind the counter was carrying a crate through the doorway. He raised a hand at Mum. She raised hers back.

The town had not been told to stop recognising them.

At the traffic lights, Mum touched the envelope addressed to Paul.

“I'll message him about this.”

“Is he still coming next weekend?”

“He said he would like you to visit.”

“That's not what I asked.”

Mum looked at her.

“He's checking work. I don't want to promise on his behalf.”

Leila turned towards the window. Mum never sounded generous when she was being accurate about Dad. That was how it felt to Leila, anyway. She knew the feeling was not always fair and still preferred to defend him inside her own head.

“He's been busy.”

“So have we.”

The lights changed.

At the hotel, Toby opened the swimming bag and discovered goggles he had forgotten he owned. He put them on immediately. They left deep marks around his eyes.

“Can we go swimming?”

“Not today,” Mum said.

“Tomorrow?”

“We'll look at it.”

He accepted the postponement with the weary experience of someone who had heard many versions of it lately.

Leila put the empty plant pot on the windowsill beside the headless footballer. It looked less like a part of home there and more like something they had failed to throw away.

She turned it until the chipped side faced the room.

Mum began sorting the paperwork on the bed. There were old school letters, a washing-machine guarantee for a machine now in Janice's garage, and photographs from a packet she had forgotten to put in an album. Leila saw herself at about six, sitting on the red doorstep with a plaster on one knee.

Toby leaned over Mum's shoulder.

“Why am I not in that?”

“You weren't born.”

“That seems unfair.”

Mum smiled for the first time since the visit.

“You arrived eventually.”

Leila took the photograph when Mum offered it. The door behind her younger self was freshly painted. In the picture, she had both hands on a bowl of strawberries and no apparent concern about where they would sleep later.

She put the photograph inside her sketchbook, between the two drawings of the door. One accurate in its age, one deliberately smooth. She did not know yet what to do with either version.

That afternoon, Esme sent a message asking what time she was coming the next day.

Leila wrote: After lunch. Is it okay if I bring a bag?

Esme replied: You are staying the night. Were you planning to arrive with your possessions in your mouth?

Leila smiled at the screen.

Then she looked at the bags stacked beside the hotel desk and wished the question did not feel quite so close to possible.